Michael Flynn

Michael Edward Flynn received a re-assignment to one “Pearly Gates” on July 5th, 2016; this included an excellent benefits package and the opportunity to see some people he hadn’t seen in a while. He now has the leisure to play with all of his dogs and the chance to finally have a decent glass of brandy. Michael repeatedly insisted to everyone he met that he was the most “normal” person they would ever meet—this was definitely not true.  While he might have been a normal child in June of 1947, that was about the end of it.  At some point he realized he was too smart for his own good, and was admitted to the University of Virginia.  While it is entirely possible he learned course content, this was never mentioned in lieu of speaking about fraternity houses shooting flaming arrows at each other’s roofs and how he had to “walk 15 miles uphill in winter” to get to class. He enlisted into the Army at the height of the Vietnam War, which in his words, “sucked muy much.”  Despite his terrible eyesight, he was only one target away from qualifying as a sharpshooter. He insisted the missed target didn’t count, as it had holes the size of a potato and was the easiest to hit.  The drill sergeant did not share this opinion, and Michael was made to do 50 pushups.  This would become a frequent occurrence in his time in the service.  Following his service, he went back to school for an MBA in Finance; he would then spend the next 25 years working with banks and Wall Street Firms, such as “Goldman Sucks.” His affectionate names for the “Yankee heathens” only grew more colorful as he moved further into his career, much like his personality.  Following the completion of a billion dollar mortgage back security trade, and attaining the title of Senior Vice President, he decided to leave banking and pursue something infinitely more challenging: being a stay-at-home dad.  Most of his day-to-day instruction involved advice about the current state of the financial markets and really bad puns (his favorite). Following his development into a grumpy old Irishman, he provided many useful pieces of advice such as: “you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose—but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.” Michael would also frequently croon “Good Morning Starshine” up the stairs to his sleeping children at 7 AM.  He loved chocolate pudding with Cool Whip, steak with Béarnaise sauce, and taking long, meandering naps. Occasionally, he would also enjoy take-out from the local greasy spoon and regret it hours later. Michael is survived by his extremely patient, and long-suffering wife, Sylvia, who would often hear him cackling in the next room over and could only assume the worse.  He is also survived by his hard-headed yet soft-hearted children, John and Elizabeth, and an adorably cantankerous German Shepherd puppy named Ivy (named after Ivy Road at UVA, of course).  He is preceded in re-assignment by his father, Edward Flynn, and his father-in-law, Colonel Victor White, both of whom are likely inviting him to get wasted at the Pearly Gates bar. Michael was always told he was an “out of the box thinker,” to which he would reply that he “didn’t know there was a box”.  After fulfilling his wishes of a traditional, private burial, his family can only assume he is laughing mightily at this irony up in heaven. In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to Sheltering Arms Physical Rehabilitation Center (Atlee Road in Hanover) or your local ASPCA in Michael’s name.  If these options are not available, you may also make disparaging comments about the current state of the financial markets or political platforms in solidarity with his most recent grumblings. Townes Funeral Home, Danville, VA,  is serving the Flynn family.  Online condolences may be made at www.townesfuneralhome.com